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Tuesday, October 23

  1. page home edited ... his hands are careful not to break the brittle pages. [[include component="comments"…
    ...
    his hands are careful not to break the brittle pages.
    [[include component="comments" page="home" limit="10"]]
    alright so one night he was up super late last week and he was skyping super loud and obnoxiously till like three in the morning, laughing yelling ...just genereal bitchery .
    [2:11:24 AM] : and so i sat up and just stared at him...
    [2:11:57 AM] : and he was just talking super loud and i started yelling "HEy, HEYYY!!!"
    [2:12:16 AM] : and then i started whistling super loud and snapping and yelling
    [2:12:32 AM] : and he finally took his headphones off super surprised
    [2:12:38 AM] : and was like whats going on?
    [2:13:14 AM] : and i said it fucking 3 in the morning and i need to slee so if you wanna skype get out of here and stop making noise or log off and go to bed
    [2:13:32 AM] : and then i just stared like this
    [2:13:56 AM] : and then he shut tp
    [2:14:07 AM] : and the next day he apologized

    (view changes)
    11:15 pm

Tuesday, September 25

Friday, April 20

  1. msg Stay at Home Mom message posted Stay at Home Mom I really like the repetition and the line, "As you pass a street full of protesters holding si…
    Stay at Home Mom
    I really like the repetition and the line, "As you pass a street full of protesters holding signs decrying injustices like racism, sexism or war"... I think you could play more with imagery. And also it brings up the question of then is it left to the mother when the children do not turn out good? You might want to think about that when rewriting, or that its the children who are left home alone when the mothers work that turn bad.
    11:14 am
  2. msg Kabir - She lost him to prison message posted Kabir - She lost him to prison I like da rhyme scheme going on hur. The caged bird line is good very good and I like how it is inc…
    Kabir - She lost him to prison
    I like da rhyme scheme going on hur. The caged bird line is good very good and I like how it is incorporated as a metaphor throughout the poem. 10 guys line is kinda confusing.
    11:06 am
  3. msg gundeRolz message posted gundeRolz You have really powerful phrases for imagery like "certificate of existence" and "cl…
    gundeRolz
    You have really powerful phrases for imagery like "certificate of existence" and "clones of modern deceit". And if you wanted you could put more in. I also like that you talk about this materialistic woman as your mother and, i think, that the way she lives her lifestyle is what you witnessed growing up and influenced you to dislike that. The last two lines are powerful, but if they are about your mother then i think you could do a little more to connect them.
    11:05 am
  4. msg Kabir - She lost him to prison message posted Kabir - She lost him to prison Also really love the symbolism of the bird, that was really cool. I think you could have played wit…
    Kabir - She lost him to prison
    Also really love the symbolism of the bird, that was really cool. I think you could have played with it a little more throughout the poem.
    11:04 am
  5. msg Stay at Home Mom message posted Stay at Home Mom I like this writing because it gives examples of real life situations and peoples reactions. People…
    Stay at Home Mom
    I like this writing because it gives examples of real life situations and peoples reactions. Peoples reactions and morals are often a product their upbringing, and more so, of the parent who stays at home. And yet, mothers get ridiculed or guilt tripped for not "doing any work."
    11:02 am
  6. msg gundeRolz message posted gundeRolz I really love your slam style writing, this would make a great rap. I also really love your use of …
    gundeRolz
    I really love your slam style writing, this would make a great rap. I also really love your use of imagery. I think you could perhaps make lines a little longer, right now these look a lot like rap lyrics.
    11:01 am
  7. msg Kabir - She lost him to prison message posted Kabir - She lost him to prison Love the inputing of rhymes throughout the poem, and I love how you array the lines. You seem to ha…
    Kabir - She lost him to prison
    Love the inputing of rhymes throughout the poem, and I love how you array the lines. You seem to have some tense switching at the beginning which is a little confusing. I think it's interesting how you start the poem from the perspective of the mother and it shifts to the perspective of the son.
    10:59 am
  8. msg Kabir - She lost him to prison message posted Kabir - She lost him to prison She lost him to prison, And every mother's day she's reminded that he's missing. She lost count o…
    Kabir - She lost him to prison
    She lost him to prison,
    And every mother's day she's reminded that he's missing.
    She lost count of the days that have past,
    Since the days when she'd say, "You've grown up so fast."
    And she lost the happiness she raised,
    Raising a young boy whose father never stayed.

    But for some reason society blames her more than the father.
    Who left her behind like he was trying to starve her.
    Who left them behind like he wasn't the father.
    Who left the kid crying in his crib alone with his mother.

    A mother who tried so hard,
    Working two jobs,
    One attending to a bar and the other driving a car.
    And she taught her son everything;
    About love and compassion and being a man.
    But she never taught him how to sing,
    Like a caged bird, who broke out and flew.
    Because she couldn't be
    The policeman when the rent was due.

    But that's what was expected;
    A superhero out of every single mother.
    And the memory of those men still haunt her.
    All those who took him away,
    The ones with the guns
    Who enticed him to come out and play.

    And the caged bird flew.

    But didn't get too far
    Before he found the ground too hard.

    Dropped out of the sky
    By ten other guys,
    Who each proclaimed they had his back for life.

    But they didn't.

    Angry at the sky, his nest, and life
    He spends every mothers day trying not to cry.
    Because the memory of her is too much to bear.
    The thought of his mother who was never there.

    And he blames her
    More than his father.
    10:05 am

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